Wrong place, wrong f*cking time

Chicago was great. We had a blast. We spent too much money shopping and we ate delicious food. RR not only survived the big race, she did terrific and bested her last marathon by an hour and a half. My good buddy came down from Madison, WI to help me cheer on the Rabbit, and we were able to hang out for the day. I met some new people and drinks were drunk. In short: mission accomplished. For more on this feel free to visit RR and her faithfull ghostwriter.

Then what's with your title, Mr. Doom & Gloom?

For that story we have to go back in time two days before leaving for Chicago...

doodely-do-do, doodely-do-do, doodely-do-do

I had just left my office to pick up lunch for the Accountant and myself. I don't have much to choose from for lunch, so I headed down the hill to Wendy's. It is clear that this Wendy's does not have enough competition in the area, for when I arrived the drive-through line was wrapped around the entire building. I figured it would be quicker just to park and go in to get the food, so in I went.

As I was walking out into the parking lot I was being carefull not to spill the large iced-teas in my hands. A guy came driving around the corner of the building and saw me just in time not to make me his hood ornament. He waved me by with a friendly smile, and I continued toward my parked car. I walked around to the passenger side and set the teas on top of the car. My plan was to set them safely on the passenger floor for their commute back to the office. As I was about to unlock the door, I hear someone beeping their horn at me. I realize that it was the same guy that had almost hit me a few moments earlier. At this point he had pulled out onto the side street and was waiting to turn onto the main street. I thought to myself, "What now, Mr. Friendly?" But, as I saw his face, I noticed he was wearing a very strange expression. It was shock and almost fear.

At that point I noticed the huge tire that had just rolled past the front of his car. The huge tire that was headed towards me, towards me and my new car. I stood there and thought to myself, "What do I do? Do I kick it? Do I try and block it with something?" It was then that I realized that this was not "a" tire, this was two tires connected together. This was a set of dually tires off of a semi-truck, still attached to the rim. It was traveling along at about 30 miles an hour like it was on some mission. It slowed down a little when it hit the curb, but not much. I wasn't sure how much it weighed, but I figured blocking it with any part of my body would not be a good idea.

So, there I stood, watching helplessly as this thing smashes into the front of my car; with me only inches away. Yep, that's it there, still smoking from it's daring axle escape. The image quality is not great since I took the pictures with my phone, but you get the idea. From this picture it is hard to tell just how big the thing is.

Seeing it there next to my car gives you a little better idea. Yeah, I guess it's a good thing I didn't try to stop it. My Superman complex has gotten me into to trouble one other time, but not here.

So, after the initial shock of what had just happened passed, my next thought was "where the hell did it come from?" I looked around and saw a semi driving back behind the Wendy's building. I focused in on it and sure enough, it had 18 wheels minus 2. So, I took off running after the truck. The last thing I needed was this to become some sort of bizarre hit and run. At this point the truck had pulled into the parking lot of a small strip mall. I think he realized who I was as I came charging towards his cab. He opened his door with a befuddled look on his face.

"I can't believe that happened!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, that makes two of us," I said.

"The flibbity-floble must have broke free from the jigerty-floop." At least this is what it sounded like to me. It all made perfect sense to him, although he admitted that he had never seen it happen before. Lucky me, as long as lightening was striking, maybe I should have played the lottery.

He was a nice guy and made sure I had all of his information. When I told him that I had thought about kicking it away he said, "I'm glad you didn't. It would have broken your leg at least. I'm just so glad it didn't hit you." This was true. No one was harmed and my car actually had very little damage under the circumstances. Fortunately it hit with the edge of the tire instead of head-on. And how it managed not to break my headlight and turn signal I do not know. Plus, there are about 30 airbags in the car; thank goodness none of those bitches went off.

So, I guess there is a silver lining to my story. I'm happy with how the VDub held up under duress. Besides, she made it to Chicago and back without further incident. Still, I can't wait to get her fixed.

Blowin' in to the Windy City

Well, I'm off to Chicago until Monday night. Ah Chicago, home of Harry Caray, Mr. Jordan, Ferris Beuller, and for the purpose of our trip, the Chicago Marathon. RR will be one of 40,000 runners and I'll be one of 1.5 million spectators.

Hey AML, why aren't you running the marathon?

Because if I need to go 26.2 miles, my car will take me. Yes, in this instance fellow readers, I am an athletic supporter. Wait, that doesn't sound right.

Anyway, Sunday is the big day. Until then, there will be much shopping and eating and shopping. And did I mention eating? Oh, I think I did. The Magnificent Mile won't know what hit it.

I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, so try not to miss me too much. I'll be sure to visit upon my return. And there will be stories to be told. In fact, I have a few to tell you now, but there just isn't the time; just never enough time.

Good bye 'Naty, hello Chi-Town. Look out all you crazy Chicago drivers, here we come. It is going to be a mad house, and we're going to love every minute of it.

P.S.: My apologies if you have not seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off; the rock you've been living under must have been heavy.

The Fascinating AML

I don't feel like talking about work right now, and I'm not feeling particularly philosophical. So, I'm going to take a cue from Tense Teacher and do a weekend meme. I have done a meme one other time, and I bitched about doing it. So before you start yelling "hypocrite!" I'll point out the difference. The first one I did was passed on to me as a sort of blog-tag. I viewed it along the lines of a forced e-mail forward, and I'm not a big fan of that concept. This time I'm doing it of my own initiation. I have willingly stolen the questions from Tense's blog. Likewise, I will not pass it along to anyone, but offer whoever wants it to feel free. OK, enough pre-text, let's get started because I know you are dieing to find out some inane details about me.

Do you snore?
RR claims I do, although she has a penchant for exaggeration. She can fall asleep in a matter of moments. If ever it takes her longer than 5 minutes and she can hear me breathing, she says I'm snoring. If I have a head cold I know I do though.

Are you a lover or a fighter?
I guess I would say I'm more of a lover, or maybe a rationalizer. I can pretty much talk my way out of anything. But if it comes to the point that fighting is my only option, I'm willing to do what it takes.

What's your worst fear?
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerfull beyond belief." --Nelson Mandela
I could give you an entire disertation on how significant I think this quote is... buuut I bet I won't.

As a kid, were you a Lego maniac?
Well, maniac might be a bit strong, but I loved any toy that I could create something with my hands. Legos, Linken-logs, erector sets, I even had one kit that came with a motor and a bunch of pieces to build electronic stuff. I was one of those goofy kids that would take crap apart to see how it went together. Legos would piss me off sometimes though as one section would always fall apart as you tried to apply a different section.

What do you think of reality TV?
Generally, I'm not a big fan. Although, I do like Survivor as I get into the strategy and mind games.

Do you chew on your straws?
No, I think this is more of a nervous thing, and I'm generally pretty relaxed.

Were you a cute baby?
Yes, but I don't know what happened since.

Is the single life for you?
I am someone who is comfortable being just with me, and I meet and get along with new people pretty easily; so being single never really bothered me. However, I am more happy sharing my life with someone else, so I prefer my life the way it is.

What color is your keyboard?
Black, but I don't know why we have to get all racial.

Do you sing in the shower?
If the mood strikes me I've been known to belt out some songs. I've even taken a few requests, but mainly just to quiet down.

Have you ever bungee jumped?
Technically no, but there is a thing at the local amusement park that is similar. It straps you (and up to two other people) into a harness, pulls you 150 feet into the air, and drops you. Instead of the snap and bounce at the end of a bungee jump, you swing back up the other side. Therefore, after the initial pissing of your pants, you then feel like you are flying until they reel you back in. Since I worked at the park when I was younger, I've done this more times than I can count.

Any secret talents?
Yes, but if I told you it wouldn't be a secret.

What is your ideal vacation spot?
Generally: a beach; specifically: Sanibel Island, FL

Can you swim?
Like a fish.

Have you seen the movie Donnie Darko?
Yes, I've seen a lot of movies. This one doesn't make my top ten.

Do you give a damn about the ozone?
"Where's all this global warming I keep hearing about? Screw the kids, I'm cold now. Psssssssst (spray's arosole)"--Drew Carey

How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Who licks those, seriously? I'm more used to sucking and biting. Wait, what are we talking about?

Can you sing the alphabet backwards?
No, I can sing it forwards while walking backwards, does that count?

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?
I couldn't tell you the last time I used a pencil, but I guess electric. Work smarter not harder.

What's your stand on hunting?
I don't stand on hunting; I don't support it either.

Is marriage in your future?
Another one? I hope not. I'm happy with the one I have, thanks.

Do you like your handwriting?
Yes, I write in big and small caps for some reason. It is relatively neat, for a guy.

What are you allergic to?
Stupidity, I break out in fits of sarcasm.

When was the last time you said "I love you"?
About 20 minutes ago.

Do you cry at weddings?
Not since since there was a stabbing at The Onion wedding.

How do you like your eggs?
Stirred, not shaken.

Are blondes dumb?
No, but I think some use the stereotype to their advantage.

Where does the other sock end up?
Bend over, I'll show ya.

What time is it?
GAME TIME! Oh sorry, old habits are hard to break.

Do you have a nickname?
Not since High School. Back then it was Head because they had to buy a special football helmet for my large noggin. It was said in an endearing way. There was a guy who said it in a mean way once. Once.

Is McDonalds disgusting?
Eh, not disgusting, but one of my last choices for fast food.

When was the last time you were in a car?
An hour ago.

Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers, unless maybe it is a sponge bath.

Is Santa Claus real?
Yes, why? What have you heard?

Do you like to have your neck kissed?
By the right person, yes.

Are you afraid of the dark?
No, it is afraid of me.

What are you addicted to?
Nothing really, I like movies, but it's not much of an addiction.

Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
"I was thinking that if you were going out anyway, anyways, maybe you could bring Bobby to the hospital. And if go to the store, don't get crunchy peanut butter, get smooth." --Brian Regan

Can you crack your neck?
Yes, but I can crack my back easier. All I have to do is turn and push a certain way. RR hates the sound, but it feels great.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes, after a bicycling accident. My knee was swollen and they were afraid I hurt my neck. I was fine.

Is drug free the way to be?
Psychotropics are good when needed; illegal hallucinogenics, not so much.

Are you a heavy sleeper?
I used to say yes, but somehow if ever my dog needs me in the middle of the night I wake up.

What color are your eyes?
Most people would think brown, but hazel is more accurate.

Do you like your life?
I can't complain, although sometimes I still do.

Are you psychic?
I knew you were going to ask that.

Have you read Catcher in the Rye?
Considering that it is listed as one of my favorite books on my profile page, I am going to say yes.

Do you play any instruments?
No, I never learned to read music.

Have you ever stolen money?
No

Can you snowboard?
I've never tried.

Do you like camping?
I don't do it all that often, but I do enjoy it.

Do you snort when you laugh?
Not unless I am mocking someone else.

Do you believe in magic?
I believe that we have powers that are beyond our understanding, but I wouldn't call it magic.

Are dogs a man's best friend?
Non-judgemental, unconditional love; yes, yes they are.

Do you believe in divorce?
I am a child of it, so yes I know it exists.

Can you do the moonwalk?
Oh yeah, I can break it down for a big man.

Do you make a lot of mistakes?
I never make mistkes.

Is it cold outside today?
A little bit, but the cold has barely even begun around here.

What was the last thing you ate?
A breakfast bar.

Do you wear nail polish?
Only on the weekends.

How many people do you like right now?
A handfull, just because I'm nice to you doesn't mean I like you.

What's the most annoying TV commercial?
Any that they feel the need to shout the entire time (I'm looking at you used car dealers).

Do you shop at American Eagle?
Yes, amoungst many others. I've told ya, I like to shop.

Favorite song at the moment?
I've been enjoying the new BNL album lately.

That's it. Man, that took a while. I think I'll just stick to normal posts.

My water broke

The other day I was greeted by the news that at around 7 am an underground water main had broken just up the street from my apartment complex. Apparently at one point there was water gushing down the street making it look like a giant water slide. Since then the city had turned off the water to the area so they could fix the break.

So, do you know what that meant? That’s right, dozens of phone calls of the “Ummm, my water isn’t working… ummm, why do you have my water off… ummm, what’s wrong with the water?” variety. Evidently most of my tenants don’t watch the news (it was on there) and don’t bother to look out and see the cones and trucks and giant hole with the ladder sticking out of it.

That’s all fine. I don’t mind the phone ringing, even if I have to keep saying the same thing over and over. In fact it gave me the opportunity to harass one tenant who is behind in his rent. My answer to him as to why his water was off was, “Because you haven’t paid your rent. Without it we couldn’t afford to pay the bill and it was turned off.” “Oh, really?” he said sounding ashamed. “No, not really, dumb ass.” OK, I didn’t say dumb ass, but I thought it.

Another tenant came down to the office to see what was going on. After being told, he thought about it for a second and then said, “Does that mean I can’t use the washing machine too?” “Not unless you want to stand there and spit into the machine, but I don’t recommend that,” was my reply.

This went on all day until around 6 pm when the water finally came back on. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it was an inconvenience. It was no good for us either as we had to strategize going to the bathroom amongst my staff. Most of the tenants handled it in stride. In fact, all but one did.

If any one of you has anything else to say, now's the fucking time!

This particular tenant has been around for a while. For the most part you rarely saw her. She was quiet, polite, and kept to herself. The only strike against her is the ass-clown boyfriend who comes to visit her on occasion. He has a major case of little-itus (defined as a person who tries to compensate for being small in size by being big in attitude) and appears to have doing drugs on his list of favorite activities. Now, unfortunately, I think that lately she has joined him in this past time. All of a sudden she is looking very unkempt and has gotten into arguments with the maintenance staff.

This day I had already spoken to her earlier in the morning about what was going on. Then around 4:30 she came blasting into my office.
“Look, you need to do something about my water. I haven’t had no water and I can’t do nuthin.’ The room in another building has water, but I don’t. It aint right! I need to have water!”

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about with the other building. The most I could gather was that she had gone to one of the utility rooms and turned on a sink. When she saw a trickle of water come out as it bled through the system, she assumed that she was the only one without. The paranoia was kicking in.
“First of all, settle down,” I say in my usual calm tone. “I can’t help you when you’re yelling.”

“Settle down! I don’t got any water!” I’m not sure what the big concern was, it looked as though she hadn’t showered in days.

“I understand that, but as I explained to you earlier, water to the entire area has been turned off. None of us has any water. When I last spoke to Water Works they told me it normally takes them 7 to 8 hours to fix a main brake. That would put their finish time at late afternoon, early evening.”

“So, you saying I can’t have any water? You saying I can’t even have water trucked in or nuthin’? I want you to put in writing that I can’t have no water and you won’t truck any in!”

I didn't even want to know what she thought trucking water in meant. “I’d be happy to put in writing everything I know. I’ll even give you the number to call so that you can hear for yourself. If you’d like you can walk up the street and yell at the people working on the pipe, but I don’t think it will help,” I say, now aggravated, but still calm.

“I don’t need to talk with them, I need their supervisor. I just want you to write down that I can’t have water.”

So, I do. I write a letter, to no-one in particular, spelling out the situation in detail. As I am typing she is sitting in a chair across from my desk. She is rocking back and forth and says to herself, “Oooh, I need to take that kickboxing class so I can get rid of some of this ANGER!”

I finish typing the letter and hand it to her. She reads it and exclaims, “Oh, you wrote it all legal-like! I like that! I like a bully, it turns me on!” She heads out and slams the door on these last words. I’m not sure who she thinks the bully is here. I assume she means me, and I shudder to think I am turning her on in any way.

Perhaps I was inspired by one of Deb's recent posts, but I decided to say a little prayer. "Please God, help this tenant stay away from drugs. If it turns out she can't do this, please give her knee a loud popping sound so I'll hear her comming and know to lock the door. Ahmen."

The moral of the story is this:
1) Don’t get mad at someone who isn’t to blame for your problem, especially if that person is experiencing the same thing.
2) Don’t do drugs, kids.