Happy Flung Monkey Poo

I have touched upon this in the past, but due to a barrage of forwards I received today, I felt it was worth another look. I think it's funny that you can always tell when someone first gets into e-mail. They quickly become the forward sender. I don't mind since some of them are neat to look at, or are funny. The only time I don't like it is when the e-mail threatens me if I don't do what it says. "Send this to everyone you know or there will be a pox on your first born!" Seems a little extreme just to pass along a waiving monkey picture.

It's not even the pointless time it would take to send it to everyone I know. It is more the principle of being threatened by a faceless person who the only thing I know about them is that they enjoy monkey humor. In fact, whenever I get one of those e-mails, not only do I not pass it along, I take a moment out of my day and try to visualize the person who started it in the first place.

Normally they are pathetic little people, just barely above those who send out computer viruses. Sure they don't go after my hard drive, but they go after my lineage. And that is just wrong. They only differ from the evil of virus spreaders with the fact that they have some sense of humor. Now, normally I would be the last person to browbeat someone who is both evil and funny, but they cross the line when they threaten me and mine.

So, once I have them firmly in mind, I send them a little hex. "No, no, a pox on you sir!" Then I realize that I'm not even sure what a pox is. The only thing that comes to mind is chicken pox and that seems a little weak. Besides, maybe he already got them when he was young and it wouldn't even work.

So, then I sit back and try to gear up for something better. Let's see, not an insult, a curse... "May your love of funny monkeys someday come back to haunt you in a way you never dreamt. May you one day be at the zoo, enjoying your beloved monkeys at their exhibit when you notice a beautiful girl standing near you. This is the type of girl who would never be interested in you, but as it so happens she catches you looking at her. But, instead of the normal look of disgust you have grown accustomed to, she sends you a smile. You think to yourself that maybe this is your day. Maybe hell has frozen and a girl like this is into geeks. Then, just as you start to slip into fantasyland and your eyes begin to glaze over, you are snapped back into reality when a glob of poop slaps you in the head. You quickly realize by their hoots of laughter and chatter, that the monkeys who were the perpetrators of this action think that it is hilarious.

By the way, so does the girl. This extreme embarrassment causes you to piss yourself. O.K., now the girl gives you the look of disgust you are more familiar with. You are so stunned by this series of events that you can only stand there and cry. Some of your tears mix with the poo dripping down your head and gets into your mouth. Then, a few weeks later you die from a rare strain of monkey pox." There, I guess I did get to work in the word pox. I'm still not sure what it means, but it sounds better this way. I suppose the moral of the story is this:

e-mails from loved ones = great
forwards = O.K. to a certain extent
forwards that threaten = infuriating
originators of these threatening forwards = death by monkey poo.

Wow, I can't believe I made it through an entire post without a movie quote. I'm really proud of myself, I mean it.

Anybody want a peanut?

Damn.