Fun With Quotes

Actually, no, I'm not talking about movie quotes right now. Although that is normally where my head is. The following are some of my favorites things actually said to me by my tenants over the past week:

“I ain’t trying to be on a diet. I like being fat.” --> said in reference to the replacement refrigerator we were going to give him being a little smaller than the one he had

“I’ve got ticks in my carpet and they’re biting me!” --> an emergency call

“Is my butt too big to be wearing these shorts?” --> asked while stopping by the office after her shopping excursion

“I had to change because I couldn’t hold it coming back from the bus” --> the classic over-share

Now kids, let's put them together as if it was one conversation and all comming from the same tenant...
---
Tenant (busting through the office door): “I’ve got ticks in my carpet and they’re biting me!”

Me: "Ticks eh? Well, I'll send someone down and we''ll see what we can do to take care of it. You look nice today."

Tenant: “Is my butt too big to be wearing these shorts?”

Me: "I don't... um... those shorts are nice. Why, did someone say something to you?"

Tenant: “I ain’t trying to be on a diet. I like being fat.”

Me: "So... are your shorts new?"

Tenant: “I had to change because I couldn't hold it coming back from the bus.”

Me: "Alllrighty, have a nice day."
---

Hee hee, that's funny to me.

By the way, I'm not sure what was going on in this apartment...

...but as long as it continues their rent is free.

Not sure how I became "IT" when I wasn't even playing

O.K., anyone who knows me knows I'm not a fan of the forced forward (click here for more thoughts on this). This game of blog tag is no better. But I said I would, so here it is:

Four Jobs I have had in my life:
I am occasionally teased about how many different jobs I've worked in my short life so far. Hell, I'm teased about how many jobs I work currently. What can I say, you don't become a Renaissance Man by sitting on your buttocks. Here is a sampling...
1) drywall hanger/finisher
2) person who changes the event-hall floor from ice-hockey to basketball, and vise-versa, in the middle of the night
3) the runner of games at an amusement park "So, it's a profit deal eh? That takes all the pressure off."
4) manager of a furniture store wharehouse
5) short-order cook
6) grocery bag-boy
7) video store employee
8) dock worker unloading trucks on a forklift
Oops, I was supposed to stop at four. Well, there were plenty more, but you get the idea (and I'm just talking before I graduated from college).

Four Movies I watch over and over again:
Oh God, I am an admitted movie fan (not a movie snob, trust me there is a difference), so this is a hard one for me to keep at four. Here goes...
1) Forrest Gump --> seriously, you can't even watch this one with me, I will annoy you to death saying the lines in my best Gump voice (sorry RR)
2) The Princess Bride --> yeah, I'm not as bad as I am with the one above, but still not good
3) Monty Python and the Holy Grail --> "run away"
4) Ferris Bueller's Day Off --> just classic

Four Places I have lived:
I moved a lot when I was younger, but it was all in the tri-state...
1) The Naty East-side
2) The Naty Northwest-side
3) The Naty South-side
4) Maysville, KY (nope, I never met George Clooney)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
I don't have much time for TV, but when I do it's...
1) The Sopranoes
2) The Simpsons
3) Family Guy
4) various Comedy Central goodness (Chappel, Mencia, South Park...)

Four Places I have been on vacation:
1) Sanibel Island, Florida --> ah, my home away from home
2) New Orleans, Louisiana --> drinks, bussoms, and architecture; my kind'o place
3) Daytona and Panama City, Florida --> various college spring breaks
4) Phoenix, Arizona --> daddy, is that you daddy?

Four Web-sites I visit daily:
1) make my blog rounds
2) College Humor.com
3) I Don't Like You That Way.com
4) the multiple listing service --> hey, I have to work too

My Four favorite foods:
1) lasagna
2) filet mignon --> especially when my man Jeff Ruby does it
3) salmon
4) chocolate chip cookies

Four Places I would rather be right now:
1) any beach
2) a Bengals' game
3) shopping --> yes shopping, no not gay
4) my big comfy bed with the two females in my life (one fuzzy, one not so much)

Four Favorite Bands/singers:
1) BNL
2) Jack Johnson
3) Led Zeppelin
4) Kanye West

Four Bloggers I am tagging:
none, zip, zero. Sorry, I said I would do it but not pass it on. It's just a matter of principle really.

I Ain't Signing It!

O.K., I promiss, no more Jim Gaffigan style external dialogues.

So, I've teased you with a glimpse of the landlord goodness. But, before we fall too deap into that rabbit hole, let's take a look at being a real estate agent.

I was contacted by a guy who wanted to sell his house. After a quick scan of the list of things I do, sure enough, that's one of them. So, I set up a time to meet with him. Now these meetings, or "listing appointments" in Realtor Speak, can go many different directions. Most of the time they are in the nervous-creepy-strange realm.

Like going on job interviews so much that you want to do it on a continual, consistant basis? Then this might just be the profession for YOU!

Anyhow, with some experience, I've gotten pretty good at determining over the phone which direction they are going to go, and therefore the strategy I'll take. This particular gentleman seemed like he was pretty motivated to sell his house and willing to do what it takes to make it happen. Normally, this is a good way to start out. Truely motivated sellers are often more willing to listen to advice and to price their home realistically. So went the meeting according to my prediction. We were flying right along until I was hit with one tidbit of info: The Ex-Wife.

Yes, apparently his ex still has partial rights to the house. DAMN! I should have asked on the phone, therefore having all responsible parties together at the same time. I know better, but it is surprising difficult to throw the question, "So... you ever been divorced?" into a conversation with a complete stranger. No big deal, it just meant that the deal was not getting done right then. We set up a time for the three of us to meet at the house, after he assured me that they had an amicable relationship. I offered to meet with her seperately, but he said, "No, no, we're not friends, but we get along fine. I'll call her and let her know. She wants to get the house sold as much as I do."

Skip to the next day. He is standing outside the house as I pull into the driveway. My timing is impecable as, no sooner did we exchange a few pleasantries, The Ex-Wife pulls up. As she is parking her car on the street, she starts shouting "I ain't signing it! I ain't signing it!" Now, this demure little old man, whom I've yet to hear speak louder than a virtual whisper, yells back, "What! What you say woman!" Lovely.

A period of time passes filled with random shouting. Five, ten minutes maybe. I'm not sure for I had gone to my happy place at that point, rocking and sucking my thumb. Statements like:

"The lawyer told you not to call me about the house, he would deal with it."

"Fine, then, get back in your car and go away."

"You always trying to trick somebody, now you trying to trick me out of my money."

are imprinted on a dark place in the grey matter that's between my ears. Finally she did leave and he gave me the lawyer's info to contact. I'll leave you with one of his final comments: "Good luck dealing with that lawyer. He's as crazy as she is. They were made for each other." Lovely.

Yeah, you’ll love it, it’s a real shit-hole

Is he going to keep quoting that same movie? He’s really running it into the ground.

Let’s set the scene. Here I sit in my little office. The pale green walls and fake plants stare blankly back at me. Just over one hundred units look to me for attention. They need to be redone, filled, or collected from. The complex itself really isn’t that much of a shit-hole, it’s more the location that is shitty.

And his language is atrocious. Does he have to keep cussing?

I have worked hard to up the clientele level, so to speak. But I’ve come to realize that there is only so much you can do when you have to drive past two of the largest housing projects in the city to get here. Sure, sure, I’m close to a few local universities, on the bus route, and within easy access to an interstate highway. The challenge continues to be just getting good people to even come here and consider us.

Is he going to continue doing this external dialogue? It’s really quite distracting.

The apartments are clean, the rent is cheap, but that doesn’t help the three most important things in real estate: location, location, and location. So I end up with a mix of people. I have the young people who are just starting out in life and this their first apartment. This includes the college students who are looking for cheap off-campus housing. Then there are the professionals who aren’t around much, they just need a simple little place to crash. The rest are what I call the neighborhood people. This has nothing to do with race or ethnicity, before you start waging your finger and calling me names. Besides, piss off, you don’t know me. Sorry, didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m laid back and edgy, it’s a strange combination I admit. I never used to be on edge, I think this job has done it to me.

Where was I? Oh, the neighborhood people, yeah. These are people who have lived in this area for a while, if not most of their lives. They bump from complex to complex as they get sick of the place or are kicked out. Some are on disability, some are not. The only real trouble with them is whom they choose to associate with. Now, the young people can be guilty of this from time to time because, well, they are young and dumb. But the neighborhood people are notorious for this, and one would think that they would eventually catch on after being kicked out of their last apartment. This is not the case however, as history has a way or repeating itself, repeating itself. They end up hanging out with the un-rentable neighborhood people. You know, the abusive ex (or current) relationship; the drugged out friend or relative; the girlfriend who turns tricks for extra cash. And when I say tricks, we’re not talking about sit up and beg (although maybe for the right price, if that’s what you’re into).

These are the people who help keep my life interesting. By interesting I mean the grey streak in my hair is getting bigger. Stay tuned and maybe I’ll spin you a story or two.

And don't give me that falling down the stairs crap, I know you're conscious

Another day, another dollar. Do I like driving to the hood and shaking people down for their rent? Eh, it's a living. It's no dream job, but at least it's a steady paycheck. This is more than I can say for being a real estate agent. Just like anything that is based on 100% commision, that is a do or die type of gig. One day I'm a rich man, the next I'm a pauper. It's tough to budget on a financial rollercoaster. You can very easily become stressed in this type of a cenario, even for a laid back fella like myself. Enter the landlord job.

It has taught me a lot about things I've wanted to know, and even more about stuff that I never did. For the most part it is relatively painless, so I really can't complain (although sometimes I still do). Some days my psychology background comes in handy, while other days I'm the most over-educated cleaning person in the city.

Oh yeah, and aside from these two things I also help run a commercial construction company owned by the same guy who owns the complex. Plus, I am always on the lookout to aquire more property for myself to gradually build my empire. That's right, empire. Go big or go home. Or as Buddha put it, "The body cannot achieve what the mind cannot conceive." You know, I'd be willing to bet that it's not often you'll see Buddhism and a generic, sports-themed colloquialism back to back like that. But, throw in a healthy dose of movie references and you'll start to get an idea of how my mind works.

It may be a slightly strange trip, but try and keep up.