The AML has gone nuts

I returned home from the office today, my mind running free about nothing in particular. I walked up the steps to my side door and began to work through my keys. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a streak of color. It was enough to make me turn my head just in time to see cat #2 go flying by. He had been chasing cat #1, and they both stopped abruptly just as they reached the street curb.

Now cat #1 is the local tomcat.
I wasn't talking about you Tom, so piss off. This cat doesn't seem to belong to anyone in particular. He has a habit of hanging out by our side door in an attempt to drive The Doc's cat bonkers on the inside. He likes to waltz around across the street from our yard, making sure he is in eyesight of my dog in order to drive her crazy.

Now cat #2 lives in the house next door. I think he is more of an inside cat, but he does hang around outside a fair amount as well. On this particular occasion I assume cat #2 decided he had had enough of cat #1 in his yard, thus the ensuing chase. By the time they had reached the street, cat #1 realized he was going out like a punk and decided to stand his ground. At this point they were both sitting under the front end of a parked car, about a foot from each other.

Next came the most bizarre sound I have ever heard an animal make. Now, I've owned animals my entire life, cats included. I have never heard them make this sound. It seemed to start from cat #2, but they both were chiming in and taking turns as far as I could tell. It was not like a hiss or a growl. There was no purr and not a trace of meow. Imagine a loud haunting siren, like a ghost had just called an ambulance.

The sound made me stop cold and just watch. OK, I was waiting for the catfight to take place. After all, at only ten feet away, I had a ringside seat. A few moments later, another sound chimed in, this one coming from above. I looked up to see squirrel #1 in the tree by the curb. Now, I've witnessed a fair share of squirrels in my day. I've even had one throw nuts at me when I was in college (shut up, he did too). But, I've never heard a squirrel make a sound, at least not like this one. That squirrel started in making a noise like a whistle caught in a blender. He was dancing around on his branch causing it to sway back and forth.

The cats, meanwhile, were undeterred by squirrel #1's antics. They continued their staring match, whirring away. Every so often one of them would move a shoulder or twitch a paw, but otherwise they were completely still. Enter squirrel #2. She(?) comes running across the electrical wire towards squirrel #1. She is making a similar, although slightly less aggressive noise.

So there I stand, surrounded by this bizarre cornucopia of sound. Now these sounds as I described would be how a normal person would have heard them. I have never claimed to be normal, so I'll let you in on how it was translated by my Dr. Dolittle ears. I forewarn you that these are city animals and their language is a bit dicey. You might have to consider the following contents rated R…

Cat2: Oh hell na, I know you not even traipsen' up in my yard again. I'm gonna kick your ass. Oh yeah, bitch, you betta run. Don't let me get hold a ya.

Cat1: Say what? I know you aren't even talkin' shit. See, I was gonna bounce all peacefull like, but now you gone an crossed the line.

Cat2: Line my ass. You crossed the line when you stepped into my yard, ho. You best be shakin' that ratty-ass tail in a different direction. Ain't nobody wanna smell yo shit.

Cat1: Whose tail you callin' ratty houseboy? You don’t know me. I'm from the street, you betta recognize and back off with your little prissy self.

See, at this point they are just name calling, which is never constructive. The squirrel's additions didn't help matters any.

Squirrel1: Oh shit! Oh shit! You gonna let him talk to you like that? You gonna hafta check that bitch. Break him off sumptin' proper like. Let him know how we do on the outside.

Cat1: So what then? You gonna just sit there and twitch, pussy? You want it, it's right here. Come gets you a taste.

Cat2: Don't nobody want a taste of yo dirty ass. What's wrong, didn't you momma teach you how to clean yo'self? Oh, what's that? You don't know who you momma is?

Squirrel1: Oh damn! Now he talkin' 'bout yo momma! If you don't do nuthin' soon I'm commin' down there and plant my little foot in his ass!

Squirrrel2: Simon! That ain't got nuttin' to do with you! You bes' get yo nutty ass away from there 'fore I shows you what pissed off looks like.

Squirrel1: Be still woman! You know I carry the nuts around here. That punk ass is messin' with my boy down there.

Squirrel2: Oh! Oh! Fond of yo nuts are ya? Well, if you ever want me to touch them again you'll keep yo nose outta other people's bidness.

I know, I was surprised the squirrels used so many nut clichés too, but I'm just telling you what I heard. The entire scene came to an anti-climatic end when one of the cats finally realized I was standing there watching.

Cat1: Oh shit, it's the man. Be cool, play it cool.

Cat2: Yeah, you best be goin' over and lickin' his boot 'cause he just saved you from an extraordinary ass beatin'.

The crowd dispersed and I went on inside, my mind racing with thought. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to see any fur fly. But mainly I was disheartened by how atrocious nature's language has gotten. Are they getting it from us? Are we being terrible influences and not even knowing it? Or, perhaps it is the other way around. Maybe they are subconsciously affecting us with there dirty little mouths. Hmmm, well, fuck if I know.